Impact takes a week off

My month-long court-ordered therapy sessions vacation has ended, and I sat down happily in front of my TV complete with stopwatch to see how long it would take before TNA could wipe the word “happily” permanently from my vocabulary.  But lo and behold, I did not see an episode of Impact on my screen.  Instead I saw what appeared to be a documentary of some sort.  Before I could ponder the issue, From Parts Unknown snatched the remote and began watching the Saints/Vikings game before TNA could possibly come back and ruin his evening.

So with the gods shining down upon me, I get another week off.  But instead of leaving the site TNA-less for seven more days, I thought I’d recap over what went down while I was gone.  As these are taken from second-hand accounts, I may not have all the details straight, but I won’t let that get in the way of my snark.

Abyss’s “They” Problems and the UnFourtuitous Solution
We’ve known for months now that Abyss has gone back into “bat-shit crazy” mode due to the influence of a mysterious group known only by the pronouns of “them” and “they”.  It was intriguing at first then stretched out for too long to the point where unless it turns out to be the legendary tag team of Greg “the Hammer” Valentine and the Honky Tonk Man, I’m going to be greatly disappointed.  Anyway, when the ECW reunion took over August’s Hard Justice PPV (making it the even more porn-sounding “Hardcore Justice”), Abyss told those who cared (no one) that “they” were not pleased.  So on the next night, when TNA threw the PPV that should have been on Impact, Abyss received his title shot for being top of the rankings for the month in a “Stairway to Janice” match in which champion Rob Van Dam successfully defended his title and Janice – the nail-board that was the entire point of the match – was not used (for obvious reasons).

The show ended with Hulk Hogan calling out the E.V.2.0 guys who were still around to thank them for making TNA watchable for one night, but that didn’t sit well with Ric Flair’s new Four Horsemen Fourtune lineup.  And they, along with Matt Morgan and Douglas Williams, attacked the has-beens hardcore icons.  In the distraction, Abyss took RVD backstage and bludgeoned him with Janice…or we assume, as the attack was obviously not shown on camera.  RVD was covered in blood, but he was missing the tell-tale puncture wounds.  I’m just saying.

Anyway, the next week, Ric Flair came out and revealed to the crowd that he and Fourtune (now comprised of six members besides Flair – special spelling be damned) were the “they” that Abyss had been yammering on all this time about.  And the episode ended with that being unchallenged.  The thought was likely that Flair and his group would be the obvious detractors of ECW reuniting on TNA television, even though a number of them were praising the organization and its return on the PPV itself.  Now this didn’t explain why Abyss had fought Flair tooth and nail for months only to betray Hulk Hogan on Flair’s say-so.  Nor did it work with anything Flair had done the entire time Abyss was going crazy.  So the backpedaling was hinted on the after-show special (which was taped later than the Impact episode) and flat-out denied on the following episode.  Flair was not “they” and apparently just some crazy old man, and Abyss would reveal Hammer and Honky at Bound for Glory on 10/10/10.  Plenty of time to stop caring again.

The Fall of Rob Van Dam and the TNA Ranking System
As it would turn out, bludgeonings by nail-laced bats are kind of hard to bounce back from, so Rob Van Dam, after holding the TNA Championship for the majority of the year, was stripped of the title on the following Impact.  Using logic, you would assume that TNA would use it’s overly praised ranking system, giving the title to the most deserving contender, or possibly setting up a match between the top two on the list.  That wasn’t the case, as an eight man tournament was announced to take place over a month and a half, with the finals leading into Bound for Glory.  That’s seven matches stretched out over as many weeks of programming.

Making things more dramatic, in theory, was that Kurt Angle, despite no longer going through the individual rankings to get to the title, has decided to continue his “if I lose, I quit” stipulation.  I’m sure on paper, it looks to them like that would add drama, with the thought that every match Angle is in could be his last.  In reality, anyone with half a brain knows that TNA is not losing its best performer, and therefore Angle will be winning every match he’s in until the finals.  This belief was attempted to be bucked at No Surrender in a match between Angle and Jeff Hardy when the match went to a time-limit draw (though no time limit had been announced).  Eric Bischoff demanded the men be given five more minutes of sudden death (wasn’t the one-fall match already sudden death?), but when that too didn’t decide a winner, he gave five more minutes of sudden death.  Just as I began questioning why not simply have the match go until there is a winner, and answer came in a not-at-all severe cut to Angle’s face.  The referee ended the match after the second OT, and announced that since Angle could not continue, the match was ruled a draw.

This is obviously a fake to get both Angle and Hardy into the finals against Mr. Anderson, as any other match this kind of finish would have been ruled a loss by forfeit to the man who couldn’t continue.  With this, Hardy gets into the finals against somewhat-BFF Anderson, while Angle doesn’t have to lose and “quit”.  I was not amused.

Sting and Kevin Nash go on the Red and Black Reunion Tour
Sting’s role in TNA since returning at the start of Impact’s ill-fated move to Monday nights has made absolutely no sense.  He turned on Hulk Hogan and Abyss and seemingly joined up with Ric Flair, even going so far as to captaining Flair’s team against Hogan’s at Lockdown.  Then, Sting began spouting nonsense about riddles and betrayals and saying that nothing was as it seemed, but offered no explanation.  When seemingly about to present Dixie Carter with reasoning, Eric Bischoff quickly stepped in and suspended Sting for decimating Hogan/Bischoff waterboy Jeff Jarrett repeatedly with his bat.

Kevin Nash went to an equally nonsensical route to get his buddies Scott Hall and Syxx TNA contracts.  He faked them turning on him to somehow trick TNA management (I.E. Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff) into granting him and Eric Young a match in which Hall and Syxx would get contracts if they won.  Nash turned on Young and allowed Hall and Syxx to win.  After a couple weeks of seeking revenge, Young himself gave up and joined the group.  Eventually, Hall and Syxx both vanished due to personal problems and Nash dissolved the group, sending Young back into the brain-damaged character hell from whence he came.

But it turned out that Hogan and Bischoff didn’t like being tricked into giving Hall and Syxx contracts.  Logic would say that if they didn’t want them in, they shouldn’t have booked a match with contracts on the line (as Nash seemingly only wanted revenge anyway), but Nash became their scapegoat.  After being forced sit around for a while while waiting for a meeting, Nash came to the conclusion that Hogan and Bischoff weren’t just douches, but rather had something sinister going on.  This brought back Sting, inexplicably wearing the red and black facepaint from his decade-old run in the nWo Wolfpac back in WCW, and the two went on a crusade to bring down Hogan and Bischoff.  Or something to that extent.  I guess.  Nothing has really come out of this beyond Hogan and Bischoff acting really shady when Nash and Sting are around but not otherwise.  But it’s only been going on for about six months now.  Give it time.

The Non-Mystery of the Beautiful People
Madison Rayne and Angelina Love are not fond of one another.  When Love was forced to leave TNA due to a work visa issue, she left Velvet Skye and Rayne behind as the Beautiful People.  When Love returned, she felt insulted for being replaced by Lacey Von Erich (and with good reason) so she began a crusade in which she tried and failed repeatedly to get her revenge.  Much like the actual Crusades without all the religious overtones.  Anyway, at the same time, Tara was the Knockouts Champion until she lost the title to Angelina Love by picking the wrong box in a stipulation so horrible that I’m not even going to type it back out.

Eventually, Love herself lost the title in a tag team match to Madison Rayne, and Tara put her career on the line in exchange for a title shot.  Long story short, Rayne beat Tara and forced her out of TNA.  With no one else to feud against, Love jumped back into the scene, decimated both Skye and Von Erich and challenged Rayne to a title shot with the stipulation that if any of the Beautiful People interfered (even though Love had taken them both out) Rayne would forfeit the title.  During the match, a mysterious woman with a giant helmet on a motorcycle interfered, and the ref, assuming the stipulation had been broken, awarded the match and the title to Love.  Then he decided that he was wrong and reversed his decision two weeks later.  By this point, word got around that the girl on the motorcycle was actually Tara who had decided that she actually wanted to stay in TNA.

This new girl didn’t sit well for Velvet Skye and eventually Rayne turned on her, leading to the reunion of Angelina Love and Velvet Skye who apparently comandeered the name and music of the Beautiful People.  Eventually, the mysterious woman finally un-giant helmeted and revealed that she was, in fact, Tara.  Apparently, despite bitterly losing a title match and being forced from her job, there was no hard feelings between Rayne and Tara.  Good for them.

And here we are
It’s only been a month since I threw up my arms and yelled “Enough!”, but TNA seems like it’s a completely different place than the one I left.  We’re exactly one month away from learning who “They” are, and Hammer and Honky aside (unfortunately), I fully expect “They” to be Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff, and since Hogan will probably decide against being a heel, they’ll throw the whole thing out as being a ruse to bring down Ric Flair.

And Unamused Hollywood will not be amused, brother.

The Month’s Unamused Hollywood Ranking= Too High To Count



One Response to Impact takes a week off

  1. Robert Beard says:

    Well I think the “They” that Abyss has been talking about lately is going to be Shane McMahon which has been elected as the new CEO of a company from Japan which just so happens is interested in promoting wrestling events on PPV. Shane McMahon just recently got elected to CEO to this company and just so hap pens that Abyss says the peices are now in place forthem to coming out on 10/1/2010 to take over and the first thing they are gong to do is remove Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan and the rest of the Managment of TNA. And they ordered Abyss to get rid of RVD that usedto be part of ECW which WWE bought out. And “They” didn’t like EV2.0 coming part of tna. I see Shane McMahan taking over TNA by buying up shares off TNA stock.

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