Dissecting the Wrestlemania XXVII Corpse

…because the 2011 version of Wrestlemania was just like a corpse: dead. Lifeless, semi-dull, bloated- it was not a pretty site to behold, at times. Let’s take this mass of matches apart and see what we find, shall we?

Well, cutting through the pre-requisite mouth-running of The Rock, we have Edge v. Alberto del Rio (World Title Match). Hmm, a pretty good opening to WM… a decent match… some really good near-falls to get the crowd’s blood flowing… outside interference (and battles)… SPEAR!!!… a destroyed Rolls-Royce. This wasn’t a cause of the WM 27 death. So, what was? Let’s move this match aside and peer deeper…
A lung… annnd… aha. Rey Mysterio v. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes. I thought this would be the match that would do WM in when I looked at the lineup a few days ago; I definitely missed the mark on that. This was arguably the match of the PPV, and not mainly because of Rey’s flying antics. Rhodes and Mysterio put on a heck of a *wrestling* show. Rhodes surprisingly controlled the majority of this match. I esp. liked that Rey tried to use Cody’s mask as a weapon, but it was Rey’s knee brace (to Rey’s face) that ultimately led to “Cross Rhodes” and the win for Rhodes. Rey’s stock is falling fast.
Oh HO!! What in the name of Zombie Jack Tunney is that SMELL??!!? Ugh, it’s The Corre vs. Santino Morella/Vladmir Koslov, Big Show, and Kane. This could have killed Wrestlemania, by itself: next to no involvement from the big names (Kane, Show, Barrett), the crowd wasn’t into it at all (despite Santino’s antics), and it ended in under 150 seconds. This match had the look and feel of a bad case of the flu.
That last match did more damage than 1st appearance, because the tissue underneath and beside it is bloated, strangely colored, and hard to look at… just like the Michael Cole v. Jerry “The King” Lawler” match, unfortunately. This match was very slow-paced to start- not surprising, considering who was involved- but then it started to drag on and on and on and on and on… kick after Cole kick after Cole pose after Cole kick. Lawler tried to save us with a late flurry; “Stone Cold” gave it a much-needed shot of antibiotics, with a Stunner to Jack Swagger (after Swagger tried to throw in the towel for Cole when he was locked into the Ankle Lock by Lawler). Cole tapped and Lawler finally gets his Wrestlemania moment… then the Raw GM chimed in. Due to “unnecessary physicality by the special referee” (Austin pushed Cole when Cole pushed him after the Swagger Stunner), Lawler was DQ’ed. Cole wins, WM starts to look, smell, AND feel funny. (At least 2 more Stunners happened, post-match: Josh Matthews, for reading the email from the Raw GM and Booker T, for celebrating in the ring with Austin and Lawler).
Wooo! Bright red inflammation! Very much alive muscle and tissue! It might have been caused by the intensity of the Randy Orton v. C.M. Punk match. Maybe it was caused by Punk’s facial expressions in this match because he looked  totally certifiable  more than a few times. This was an extremely physical match, also. Much countering by Punk made it look like Orton was slightly out-matched… until a flying Punk got caught by an RKO. Great ending; maybe there’s more good stuff in here….
This is not looking good in here. I think the WM blood is turning green and something just moved. Waiiit a second… the Triple H v. The Undertaker is what moved. Which the phrase “it moved” could accurately describe the match… and not at all in a good way. Actually, a better way to describe that zombie-like match: “Opening few minutes. Big spot. Rest. Big spot. BIG Undertaker WM spots (both stars crashed through the “Cole Mine”, Taker dives over the top rope). Long rest. Period of finishers/kick out/rest.” Taker finally put this match- and us- out of its (our) misery with the “Hell’s Gate” choke out of HHH. Not too much of an exaggeration by saying that this was the worst Taker match at WM since his handicapped match against A-Train and Big Show at WM 17 (I think). One pretty big thing of note: Undertaker laid in the ring for nearly 5 minutes after the match, tried to get out and collapsed outside the ring. He had to be stretchered out of the arena. I don’t think anyone imagined seeing Taker carted out of WM….
Here’s a small piece of regular, healthy-looking tissue: Lay-Cool and Dolph Ziggler v. John Morrison, Snooki, and Trish Stratus. It wasn’t anything great but it really wasn’t supposed to be. Trish showed that she still has it and Dolph & John had a pretty small, but good, interaction. Snooki, however, may have provided the 2nd best WM moment of 2011: a carwheel-into-a-double-backflip splash in the corner on Michelle McCool, then a backflip splash/pin for the win. This shouldn’t have been one of the best 3 matches, but it was. Not good.
And we are at the end of the corpse, yet I don’t see the heart. Where is the blood-pusher, Money In The Bank? Maybe that’s what killed this WM… however, this last organ didn’t help much. The Miz v. John Cena (WWE Title Match) wasn’t what you expect from a Wrestlemania Title Match. It was a decent match, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t as good as some title matches you would see on Raw (for example). It was 80% Miz, 15% Cena, and 5% Rock. Yessss, The Rock got involved. It started when Cena speared Miz off of the outside barrier, causing both to hit the ground (giving the Miz a concussion) and get counted out. Rocky shows up, says that the WM main event won’t end on a count out, and restarts the match. Cena drags Miz to the ring, gets in the ring… and gets a Rock Bottom. Miz gets the pin and the win. Are you kidding me!??
So, after sewing the body back up, and handing it to Paul Bearer for disposal, I couldn’t find one real thing that caused the death of Wrestlemania 27. I did find a few possible causes: the lack of a Money In The Bank Match to get the crowd fired up at the start (even though they tried with Edge/del Rio). Big matches that either didn’t live up to the hype or dragged on too long to hold the attention (Cole/Lawler, HHH/Taker). Wasted talent in a wasted match (8-Man Tag). A relatively weak main event (Miz/Cena). All of these lead to a pretty forgetful WM and a WM that ultimately died a nasty death.


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